who will fall far behind?

Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in this moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind


I'm breaking at the bridges 
And at the end of all your lines



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All the above describes my emotions inside at this moment and time. I was not planning on this post at all, but at the same time I guess it will be a good opener to this weeks plans I had in store for my blog that I keep pushing back. But back on track here.. I do not know what is going on anymore right at this point and time in my life. I feel like all these great things are or were happening to me and all of a sudden with these great things are coming an overwhelming feeling of stress and a breaking point. You know those breaking points when you are at your limit and all you want to do is cry? Yeah I am at that point.. and I feel kind of lost, but also at a loss of complaining. All I can picture is utter annoyance.. enough is enough! So this is my second last resource to pursue to my advantage or even disadvantage. What? This probably does not even make sense to pursue even at all.. but here I am doing it. And everything that comes out into this post is not scheduled, perfected or aimed to please.. its everything that my precious little heart is with holding in and every line in this is unscripted, imperfect and purely raw to the deepest root that is possible. A sense of sensor perhaps to a tiny degree because the evident defined details kept sealed within this hard time isn't needed since everything else that comes out will define the thoughts pouring out. 


All these feelings, emotions and feeling of being lost or twenty steps behind is becoming more evident at this time. I think the feeling of being twenty steps behind was even more evident today then anything. It was as clear as a white daisy. I remember the last time I felt like this was a couple of years ago and I could not understand any of it for the life of me. I did not understand anything that people were saying but eventually I figured it out and it totally made sense. However, this time only one part makes sense and everything else is just a big mess, a complete and utter disastrous mess. It has nothing to do with hate at all of anybody or resentment or anger (side-note : like in the past). Just more stressed, frustrated and at a loss, which are the best words that I can use to describe. Of course I have the most amazing people in my life who support me and would want to hear me out but sometimes I feel a little too much is a little too much and I have to stop myself. (side note : like tonight, i had to let go, stop because it seemed to be getting too much. Even though they may not think that or feel that I do for them.) I feel like I have to stop myself because nobody wants to hear heart breaking stuff all the time or period. And of course though sometimes when it is held in for such a long time and is finally shared you realize that they could have helped or would be willing to hear. You know that saying "why didn't you call me line?" yeah I can in a way imagine that, no I can hear it in the back of my mind but it is not their place. It is not their responsibility. I get that is what friends are for and why we have friends but some things are a little too much for the heart to handle to pour out. However, sometimes it is those raw and vulnerable moments that will spring upon a surprise if willing to take that risk or sometimes your pretty little soul knows better than your mind in a state like this.

It's not even those things or moments where you have so much built up you explode on people and most cases the wrong people. It is more so a clear light of realizations and what am I doing really? I am a fool within my own self and my own words and thoughts. The realities and the dreams don't correlate at all, which should not be such a surprise to me at all. However, sitting here thinking about every line stringed together from others totally makes sense within myself now and in a way it is kind of sad. It is sad, because in some twisted way maybe they are completely right and I am so utterly stubbornly wrong. Perhaps, I am just being brutally hard on myself.. but I couldn't exactly tell you that part. However, I am sure everyone else could answer that question for you of me. . that I am sure. My inner thoughts and inner self was in complete thoughts and reminisce yesterday well every word that sinks into my head like rubble came swimming through. Along with every word, was also every experience which at the time may have seemed bad, toxic, unfair, disrespectful, fun, happy, sad.. ecetera. Mash up all those moments and experiences and the mind pin points certain ones from a distinct process and pins those to stick out more than any other moments swinging through (another side-note : my mind has already filtered all the most negative things possible at this point right now.)

Time to move on down this stream line.. I totally get the concept of being too kind that's my default within me I know it, everyone else knows it and even my family knows it. I think it is also partially because of the cards I got dealt in this life but also because I know what it's like to fend for yourself and obtain everything on your own all the time. I get it "it makes you stronger" but how much longer can one be that (stronger)? Can one hold that down all the time and not just for your own forsaken self but also for others? There is only so much of being strong and holding it together one can take or be, eventually you break at some point. When people realize or think that you can handle things yourself, because they view you as strong or having it altogether, so you don't need help compared to the next person which is untrue to a degree. Sometimes having to be so strong makes you shield away your weaknesses or need of help, perhaps not even that but it just may seem oh she manages to do everything else and handles it fine, she'll figure it out. Someone could be the happiest or look like they have it altogether, yet they are falling apart inside. Oh like this quote "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Why am I mentioning this at all? How does this relate? It relates into the fact that I hear it all the time.. How I have it all together, risk taker, strong, confident or even jealous about something of me .. ect. (Perhaps though also I have always and always am there for people, whether it is just to listen or give advice. But how is it that your advice for others doesn't do the same justice for yourself?) But really I do not feel how they describe inside. I feel more so like this : twenty steps behind in every aspect of life and I get it (do you really?) my life is not somebody else's life. My journey is not theirs and their journey is not mine and things happen the way they are suppose to for the reason they are suppose to and its all in how the grand scheme of things is suppose to work out to get you to your final destination or not even final destination but on point. 


For me this journey is hard it seems and I guess its suppose to be for some so that you appreciate the grand of things when they come your way. The quote that rings across my mind as I type this is the following "God doesn't put you through more than you can handle" I know that is not the exact quote on quote but it's around the towns. What it really is is this when it comes to trials and tribulations if reading from the bible.. "Count it all joy when you fall into various trials" - James 1:2 (Joy? / Of all things why would I be full of joy you may ask? But if you focus on that word joy it explains it all.. because in times of trials we are able to find joy.) I completely get the WHY ME??? aspect of it all.. it's usually the first thing that comes to your head. In the bible God says.. We will not be asked to endure more than what we can handle. If we are going through it, then we will be able to bear it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 - "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." We all want an escape from things, from life.. from basically anything and everything that eats us up inside and out of everything one could possible use to escape these problems God wants you to PRAY like this verse says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7 God lets this happen through his word. As mentioned in 1 Thessalonians 2:13 - "And we also thank God continually because, when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as a human word, but as it actually is, the word of God, which is indeed at work in you who believe." In the depths of this all you are probably wondering how God will guard your heart.. and these two verses tell you how : "The Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him." - Habakkuk 2:20 and Romans 8:28 - "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose" Life is not always rainbows and butterflies. Life consists of more from sad, happy, angry and so forth which the following tells you "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace." With these trials we go through produce patience, patience in which God said in James 1:2-3 - "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." However this next verse probably explains better while everything that is happening is frustrating and stressful and a repeat because the lack of patience but also from the simple act of not learning the first time the lesson that had to be learn and with that leads to this bible verse.. "Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." - James 1:4-5 By asking God you must also believe because without belief you will not receive as noted in James 1:6-8 "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do." If you look at the whole big picture ultimately my problems are small compared to that of others and 2 Corinthians 4:17 says "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us eternal glory that far outweighs them all." 

In the end of things we need to do seek God .. "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" - Matthew 6:33 because the end result rewards us with James 1:12 "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him"

My ending thought processed ended up with the bible, not on purpose or intentionally but by designed faith I was meant to come across all this to conclude everything swallowing inside of me. And this is definitely a first on here for my blog.. but I think it was needed along with maybe it may help someone or call out to someone other than myself at this time.

Thank you for those who stayed and read the following.. your heart is full of beauty like the suns warm rays.