Saturday, June 29, 2013

everyone has their own destiny

Hello Daisy Blossom's!

I wanted to come on here today to talk about something I have been actually, honestly struggling with the past couple of months. This post wouldn't even have came about possibly at all. I think I would have brushed it off, but I was going through my draft posts because I will write stuff and just save it as a draft and forget about it. This title post was sitting there with nothing written but the title, it is like I was meant to write this now and my past self knew somehow of this post going to be coming of the future. Here I am talking about myself, my destiny and the things I have struggled with lately that I never talk about on here. I do talk about things but it is so so so vague. Perhaps, even some of my close friends or people don't know of whatever I am going to jot down here, but for the most part I think they do know a lot in numerous different formulations. However, every.single.little.thing probably not? I just want to jump right into this post.. 

If you read my blog regularly (not so regular posting) you will know that I have mentioned that I am going to school in the fall. I was happy, yet struggling with it, with something that I have wanted ever since I was little. I say nine or ten years old is when it started but really if I go back to the ultimate begin that started me off, I was really young. I honestly couldn't even tell you the age, but I remember those Christmas catalogs that would come every Christmas was my.favorite! My grandma always had it waiting for myself to look through to find things for Christmas. I do remember one year I was younger and I wanted a sewing machine that was in the catalog for kids. The moment of  a toy, that is the point when it really started.. that one moment, one thing. I really was into creative options in school. I would chose art, home economics all the time and then in high school it's more defined and technical.  It's fashion and that was my option for all three years of high school. Yes, I did take cosmetology in grade ten, because I needed to have a lot more options. However, good old cosmetology didn't make the cut the next year.  I could sit there for hours, hours, upon hours and hours sewing just being in that classroom doing fashion and not wanting to leave. Even at home doing projects I could stay up super late or start a project from morning and go all the way through until night. It's not something that I force upon myself, or feels like work to me. When doing projects or things it is something that for me is natural, calming and as Oprah has said and others it's my 'calling'. It's that one moment, that strings along all the pieces and truthfully I never really got deep into how it all starts to how someone comes to their calling. The reason why I know now more then what was just the surface layer in front of me is because the wonderful opportunity I had to see Oprah back in February. When Oprah spoke she talked about finding your calling and how it started with her hair dresser etc etc and I never really dug that deep into it. But after that I had been thinking about it for the last couple of months and it makes sense. It all comes together for me and not only does it make sense, but that my mom always sewed when I was younger. She would sew me dresses, Halloween costumes, etc. Even both my grandmas sew as well, but when people ask my mom where this passion came from, she says probably her mom (my grandma) since she sewed. However, I was never around my grandma.. she lives all the way in the Caribbean while I am all the way here in Canada. What ignited my soul from a young child to want to have that sewing machine that I could not exactly explain or tell you. 

With this little back story, the reason as to why I have been struggling is because I want to be happy for school but didn't want too. Doesn't make sense right? I didn't want to because whenever I try to do anything in life it never works out for me, there always comes obstacles. There always is road blocks and I didn't want to go through that excitement to be disappointed. However, everyone else was happy and excited for me I was leveled  not up high or not down below, just simply leveled. I was excited inside but on the outside I didn't want to express it. Before even getting accepted I applied without telling anyone, because I didn't want to be pressured on what I wanted to do or where to go. (Other than a very very few close friends and my mom) I had filled my application for the most part but I was having troubles, I didn't know how to answer a couple of questions. I saw what had happened last time and so I just clicked out of it. I had this filled out before Christmas 2012. It was January 2013 and the very few people who knew, were like did you send in your application? no.. well when are you going to do that? you better get on it before you are unable to get accepted. I bit the bullet and sent in my application electronically. (Don't you just love the convenience of having technology?) Within a week I received my acceptance letter! O.M.G. no way that fast .. it's happening and God is letting it come through so quickly. I was not expecting such a fast response to be honest. I was super happy inside and shared the news with my very closest best friends, which I know they could tell my excitement. I think when I told my mom I was excited but I was being very modest about it. I didn't want to get my hopes up and all crazy excitement, ha! My next step was to send back my deposit to hold my spot that I did want to go to school there for sure. I did that, then... I get a later a few months later the program is suspended. (I could take the first year but after no) I was devastated along with I probably seem so extreme about it after talking to my close best friends. I literally felt sick, so sick to my stomach I could vomit. I didn't vomit but that is how I felt.. after getting that news I didn't even know what to do. I was honest to goodness floored, why? Of course something like this would happen to me like everything else. I wallowed and on top of getting this news I had other things going on that I was trying to deal with. It wasn't that great of a time, because everything after the next was happening to me and of course from hearing this news I was getting more bad things after that. It was not the greatest of times for me. Upon having read the letter there was a contact number of a person I could reach, which most people probably would have called right away. Well for me it wasn't a right away, it was okay there's no point anymore; I guess I am not going to school. I didn't bother to contact this person who has answers to things that I may have been concerned about etc. I finally one day just decided to email the person the morning I woke up. I got sent back a automatic reply out of office etc. However, even though I got the automatic reply I received an email back from the person and everything I was devastated about got recoiled into better news that it was only temporarily suspended and is now in full effect! Oh my, did I feel the joy when I found that out.. but if I never had sent that email I would had never known. I would have ended up just wallowing down how it didn't work out etc etc. I got that great news, but now was the really big issue of where am I going to live weighing heavily on me. I had applied for residence and I applied (not so smart separate and later) so when I had applied I got sent back a letter I was on a waiting list. In my letter it said to contact if hadn't heard anything by May. I never did, it too me was still early but I kept pondering across my mind about residence. I go one morning to check my school email to see if there was anything new and oh boy! I got an email that a letter was being sent to me to inform me that a letter was on the way in the mail to accept my residence and pay the deposit to make sure I want it for sure. This moment was the moment of all moments that have happened on this journey of school.. this was my moment to be super happy, excited and I was. I was so HAPPY that I started CRYING.. I never cry for no reason people who know me know that. (When it comes to this whole pursuing my dream, I have cried a number of times on this story that is mine.) I think this has been the one thing that I have wanted for so long that anything related to it that wasn't something good, torn within my soul. 

My very close best friends have been so supportive of me and have been so encouraging giving me their advice throughout all this journey. They are the ones who pushed me to go through with it and are happy that I am. Yet at the same time in my weakest moment of deciding I am probably not going to go to school anymore; my one best friend said she would have been so mad at me. Honestly, every right to be, (even though it's my life, as some maybe saying right now) (but also good friends that care, care) because this quote on quote " you have so much potential and the universe saw that too" was what she said to me if I would have decided to quit school. My other friends have been very good advice givers as well "follow your heart and don't worry about other people want you to do, it's you life" and "props to you for going after what you want to do and applying at the schools and going" are just some of the lovely positive elements I get from such great friends. I am so blessed to have these incredible, incredible people in my life and it's because of the universe why they are in my life. They always bring so much postivity to my life, always my biggest cheerleaders, and there for me no matter what! I can count on them to pull me out of being negative about a situation, because they say positive things all the time if I am telling something negative that has happened. I am so grateful for the blessings that I have been given by these close best friends that are mine. Everyone has their own destiny and it's right there if you allow it to pour through. However, my struggles that I mentioned here are just the minimal that I talked about today. My more in depth struggles will be in a second part post, because I have already written a ton for today's post. 

Thank you for those who read this all but there will be a second part continuing on with all my BIG anxiety, stressed out, frustration and heartache along with tears that goes more in depth to "everyone has their own destiny". I believe the second part will be more riveting to read than this first part but I had to give a little back story to lead up to the next part. Stay tune for that next part soon.  

ps. sorry this is a day late, I guess I clicked on the wrong date when I preblogged this post to be scheduled. Forgive me that it wasn't on time to be uploaded yesterday. Good thing I came on here to check if it posted or not. 

Signed, Joe

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