Sunday, May 12, 2013

i miss.. the best person i've ever known.

Happy Sunday + 
Happy Mother's Day's to all the mothers out there!

Day 12
[ What do you miss? (a person, a thing, a place, a time in your life...)]

What do I miss? Well my answer was automatic.. it definitely isn't a place, a thing, or a time in my life. The very thing that I miss is a person. And I know I probably have mentioned it on here a few times now but the person I miss is my grandpa. He passed away april twenty-sixth, thousand and twelve. It has already been exactly one year and two weeks. This is the one person I never really thought I'd miss this much. I know that doesn't sound very sympathetic but if I were to compare it to all the other people I have known that have died related to me it is not the same because I was not as close to them as how my grandpa was with all his grand-kids  family and own kids. I find this kind of funny because (Friday) at work we were like oh joelynn's grandpa is here and I don't know but after that I was freezing the whole time while trying to work. Then (Saturday) I was in my room and it felt like someone touched me and there was no one in my room but me. (Now maybe it's all in my head) Every since he passed I feel like I get these signs randomly in my life, signs showing me the things I am able to have if I just keep going forward. I see 11:11, 111, 1:11 etc a lot or my favorite suv of all time that I hope to have one day and they are not popular vehicles where I live, so when I see that I feel like it's a sign to me. (I know this probably sounds crazy or something but I can't say it any other way otherwise.) I don't think I will ever forget the moments at the time before he passed away how he might not make it.. those images in my mind stand out very clearly. It's like stick a tack in a cork-board. I know when I was younger I wasn't in the greatest state of what life had to offer. I know people thought certain things and still do think certain things when it's not true. It is something I still struggle with and yes, I shouldn't care but it's really hard, really really hard. The one thing that clicked in me after my grandpa passed away was that now he will be able to see and understand everything that didn't make sense. Every single thing that I struggle with to comprehend, he will see that and in a way it made me feel a sigh of relieve but also shame in the fact that I can try and try to be the best, good person I can possibly be but I am going to fail at it numerous times throughout my day and I cannot change that for I am human. It made me feel shameful in the fact now my grandpa would see this and maybe think of me differently or maybe understand me better than what he knew of me while he was on earth. Looking back everything; I feel like I didn't do enough. I wasn't good enough or something enough for him. It was hard to even be me as it was since I was born and my life. I just once so badly wanted to have somebody to understand, somebody to see why I see the things the way I do and why my actions spoke what they spoke. I struggled, and trying to survive felt impossible. The things that I wish I could have I know I can't but can sort of... the very things that I wish I could have my grandpa for is to see him at my wedding that is one thing I will never get the honor to have. Yes, I know he will be there in spirit but I just wanted to share a piece of my grandpa with someone that I care about and has so much meaning to me. Another thing I wish my grandpa was still alive to witness in my near future is my kids, not very many people get to say they have lived to see great-grand-kids. I know my grandpa has gotten to see a some before he passed, which is amazing. A moment that I wish my grandpa could be there for is the day I graduate from college officially. Okay, I understand I had grade nine grad, I had grade twelve and I also had the possibility of college from my first time but those times in my life weren't moments I was proud to be at. They were times that I wasn't happy or excited for. I cared so much more about my future and are the things that I think about even going to happen to me. I cared about the future and past so much and those moments, they didn't matter to me at all. They didn't affect me because it wasn't something for me to celebrate and do I regret not having those moments, honestly I don't. I know some people said they have but for me I didn't. (I know some of this stuff doesn't make sense perhaps for my readers but for those that read my blog and know me personally I think may understand.) I miss my grandpa a lot because he was someone who cared so much how everyone was, would talk to anyone and everyone. He cared about how all his grand-kids were doing and the things they are achieving in their life. HE always made sure he was there for all the big milestone events/moments in our life's and those moments are moments you can never get back. Those moments are things that can't be taken away but can be cherished forever in my heart. Some times I ask myself if I could have done better or did I disappoint him in anyway.. and for me having your grandparents hear about something you did was something I never wanted to known the feeling of or put shame on. Yes, you can disappoint your parents but it's just not the same feeling as if known you've disappointed your grandparents. One thing I notice though when my grandpa past away is when I have moments of things I am trying to aim for I feel as though he is there the whole way through that whether its only an hour for an interview or something but he's there. I may not always feel something or notice because I am stressed, busy etc but there are always those moments that just happen and I just know. I just know.. there is no other way for me to explain it. I miss him oh so dearly much. I think this is the first time ever I have mentioned the things that lied in my heart that I never got put out whether verbally or written. It has always been thoughts, just running thoughts along with emotions of tears, the tears of impossibilities. The tears of I wish I could speak about this but I can't.. I don't know how or where to start and also I know I wouldn't be able to form a full sentence without starting to cry my eyes out. I miss him oh so very much and I want to succeed my expectations for myself but I also want my grandpa as a my reminder why I am doing the things I am. Yes, some days will be hard and I will not understand but he will but he will be my strength to achieve the greatness that I want to achieve. He will be my determination when I struggle that God, beloved God sent him to watch over me even though I may not feel as though I deserve that chance. I am grateful, I am hopeful but I am unconditionally sadden of the impossibilities. I am glad for the possibilities I can make happen or choose to make happen along with have. I want to make my grandpa proud of the things I have achieved even though he has gone. I want him to see happiness, greatness and over joy of love. I want him to be okay that every way I was and am was not out of meaningless but that my story was more complicated to be aware of in real life called earth but that heaven it makes perfect sense even though it's not the greatest. I miss my grandpa a lot and this is my expression, this is my thoughts and this is a part of my journey in life that I am still dealing with and trying to comprehend and yet in a way understand. This is the person i miss... I love you and miss you very much and I know you watch over all of us that is your family. Thank You for that and I truly love you a lot. 

you're the best grandpa and person I've ever known. 

your granddaughter,
joelynn. . . 

Signed, Joe

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