Wednesday, August 4, 2010

It's hidden in the scars

If you really knew me...

you would know that the last three weeks I have been a complete disaster but no one would ever know that completely. I feel like I am going back into a destructive mode from when I was younger. I feel as though I'd be better off dead because I can't handle anything anymore. I feel like I am going into a depressive mode which at all costs I don't want, yet at the same time I just want to be dead. I just want someone I can open up to who can understand without judging me. I have done everything possible that I thought would fill the emptiness inside yet it has always been a temporary fix. I have finally came to my last straw to go get help for myself to figure everything out to move forward instead of 10 steps backwards each time again and again. I have never felt as though I was good enough or fit in with anyone whether it was my family, friends or people in generally. I always have felt weird, an outcast and unhappy. I have managed to do destructive things such as not take my medication just to allow myself to feel an inch of normal-ness. I chose that option because I felt that was the only destructive thing I know would feel numbing enough inside of me to feel normal. I have went down that road when I was in grade three, however that hasn't been the first or the last time I have fallen into that theme.
If you really knew me... you would know that I am terrified to lose someone who has had such a positive impact on me that I don't know if things will ever be the same when the truth comes out. I don't know if they will care for me the same way or if they will neglect me and not trust me because I hid everything inside of me instead of seeking for their guidance. And for the first time the other night in a long time I actually was crying because suddenly someone in a long time means so much to me and I truly love them with all my heart. If I were to lose them I don't know what I would do without them in my life. Also I was finally able to say that I love them without any hestiation, it just came naturally when talking about them to someone. It brought tears to my eyes knowing that for an instant I could lose everything that I never went searching for but that came into my life unexpectedly. It scares me more this time now then previous times before, because I am fully aware along with care enough to want it in my life unlike previous experiences. Even though it seems to them I'm pushing them away I am in no way aiming for that I just don't know the way you are going to react towards me or if you're going to be understanding or hate me completely for being truly real with things you don't know of me. Not only that I'm scared of letting you down because you believe so much in me, truly love me and care alot that I am afraid of losing someone who sees something in me when I myself am uncapable to fully understand on my own yet you give me the ability to recognize things I wouldn't fully be conscious of. I know I said I see you not only as my cousin but as an older brother to me, however I'm unsure what you feel in regards of what I feel in the sense of that?

If you really knew me... you would know that I am scared of alot of things, worry about alot of things, over think alot of things. I do this because I've always felt time is running out and I don't have a enough time to complete everything I want to experience from life. I worry about actually getting married, having kids and providing them a loving home with unconditional love. I worry about someone not finding me beautiful enough to be with me. I worry about never experiencing love. I worry about if I will even be able to have kids that are healthy and not having them suffer like me. If you really knew me you would know that I am terrified of letting my guard down along with people in.
If you really knew me... you would know that my life never consisted of the affection of unconditional love. I was always surround by negative things.. emotional abuse, verbal abuse along with physical abuse. I have never had a strong sense of confidence within myself other than in grade 7. I have been called evey name you could think of from I should go to a mental institute, I'm going to be a stripper when I grow up to I'm a lesbian because no one has ever since me have a boyfriend to the basics of me being stupid, dumb, a bitch, retarded, mental, cunt and how I should open my own legs and have kids because I am capable of helping take care of kids that are not mine and remember their birthdays and special holidays that I make sure they have something to open on those days and since the real person is incapable of remembering to do those things. If you knew me you would know that I never got anything I wanted in life it was always a battle to get the things I want when it was my own hard worked money that was going to pay for it.

If you really knew me... you would know that I'm always positive towards others and listen to their life situations along with ask them questions, yet someone would never know anything about me and the things I hide inside. It's not that I want to hide these things it's just that I have never found anyone trust worthy and understanding to allow myself to open up. Not only that I have trust issues with allowing people in and it's simply from all the things I have experienced in my life that it makes me watch carefully of what I open up about and say towards others.
If you really knew me... you would know that I have always suffered for other peoples consquences in life and never got acknowledged for anything I accomplished. I always fought for people to recognize the good things I did and no matter how hard I try to it didn't matter so I gave up trying to grab people's attention. I always had to deal with things on my own and fight for things on my own well everybody else got the attention who would disrespect our parents and walk all over them, yet they never heard a lecture. However, I always heard it when I didn't do anything. I always stayed home and never went to anyones house. Everyone makes me out to think I live this grand happy, calm, loving life that is nothing such close of that. I couldn't even say I know what a real love family feels like because

If you really knew me.. you would know that I went to school for something because it was something short and because everything I said I wanted to achieve I was told I wasn't capable of doing it so I pushed it out of my life. I did a career path that I truly wasn't going to be happy with because I felt obligated to please everyone nagging me about going to school instead of working at a grocery for the rest of my life which has never been a choice I wanted to achieve. And to be completely honest I ended up having to split my college up into two years instead of completing it in one. I managed to pass with the bare minimum marks that I needed for most of my course load. The first semester I dropped a course which made me not being able to complete in a full year. I went onto second semester not caring anymore because of everything I was going through and no one to lean on for help and ended up failing my one course.
If you really knew me... you would know that what I want for my education is to achieve my dream desire that I have had since I was 11 years old. I want to achieve the dream of going to fashion school. I want the scare and challenge of being somewhere new, out of comfort to learn new things. Also I want to be more independent and allow myself to risk everything to gain something that I don't know the outcome of. I inquired about the school I want to attend while I was attending college and have been slowly going through each step process to submit my application to get accepted. I not only want to gain a diploma from the school after finishing the 2 years but I want to continue on for the other 2 years to receive my degree in bachelor of science.

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