Talk Booster - supeeer old from July 2010 =(

I don't exactly no what this entry is going to come out as after I am all done writing but hopefully it's something that can be helpful? or perhaps maybe it's just me with something on my mind pondering back and forth that I wanted to spill out in words in a post since it's been on my mind for a long time now and I have no clue what to do with it kept inside of me.

Where to begin is the main question of it all, probably for anything in everyday life. Where do we begin for each task, thought, action, emotion etc. Sometimes, it seems as though there isn't any answers at the moment when we would like them or needed them or maybe there are, the message is just underlining. Perhaps it has to do with looking deep within or its simply the fact of knowing and not doing anything about it because we are unsure, scared, or the one person that somehow brings a smile to your face, you feel is going to walk away once everything is laid out in front of them of who you truly really are along with everything you've been through. It could just be the simple fact of they're never going to understand even if you wanted them to x's a zillion & infinity.

But that's the problem right there, thats the solution within its own self really if you come about it. It's has nothing to do with anything really other than being SCARED and for what? And why? Being scared is never going to get you anywhere, all that word describes is letting yourself be held back from something you want and you know you deserve. However, you don't think you deserve that so you distance yourself, thinking that it may be a better deal, but really it isn't. Only person suffering is yourself and the other person well, that's not exactly there problem if you push them away. But then again if they really care they'd at least make an attempt to fight for you to open up or to get you into there life at least. So I hope or at least would like to think, but then again maybe that's all wishful thinking? Or maybe it's not wishful thinking, perhaps it's the truth just the mixed thoughts of not being worthy or good enough take over the minds thought of frame to come to a conclusion such as that.

Pushing people away doesn't serve any justice because more than likely they are people who can challenge you in your life. Perhaps for the first time in a long time they are the ones who truly care about you and care enough to want to know whats going on with you. However, you chose not to because you're scared. Even more so than that, you don't think or understand why this could all be happening to you since you've never had that in your life necessarily. So, what maybe stuck inside your head is theres string attached to this so called offering that truly you deserve but can't see it that way. You let your self be blinded by things you don't allow yourself to see that others may see of you.

Sometimes, we question ourselves, because we don't understand what it is someone sees in us or how they see that when they don't fully know us. The question of How they could know such things runs across our mind trying to understand but we either can't or can but chose not to see ourselves necessarily in the way they think because to the things you may do for others is only natural & normal in your world to do and/or to be a certain way towards others. Meaning kind, helpful, listening ear, organized, polite, and the list could go on and on of good things that you are.

Simply the way someone has made a difference in your life just by making a splash of a smile appear upon yourself when you didn't plan on anything but to help them go through whatever lifes obstacles along with be a listening ear with advice. In the end of it all you felt something, you felt as though a piece of happiness could live within your life, you were challenged to the point it helped you improve and grow more as a person that you couldn't have fully done by yourself even if you truly wanted to. They gave you something, they gave you that push you needed or that happiness when you weren't expecting or looking for it. They're the reason when people would see you would notice your so happy because of one person that was capable of making a difference in your world when you least thought anything of it.

But in the end of it all you pull away, you keep your guard up, you let the happiness you felt slip away. You let it happen because of being scared, insecure, and unsure of what to allow your heart to deserve. You step back, yet still think about it wanting to have something you aren't willing to let your heart feel. The only thing left to do is scream out WHY? why am I allowing myself to go through this lockdown when really you want the person in your life as someone you could confine in. You want them to be the one person you are able to trust and know they'll always love you. I think if they encourage you and give you positive comments compared to the people who have been negative towards us in our life obviously they are a good addition to have in your life.

This entry really is a complete mess, all over the place thoughts, but really it's just the simple fact of taking a risk. Also allowing yourself to feel happy and challenged. It's allowing yourself to accept the love and positive energy without hestiation. It's about being okay, with accepting that someone truly cares for us and is willing to hear us out. It's about being okay with having someone to possibly tell a few secrets to or maybe even all. It's all about learning and sometimes learning means being left hurt which doesn't sound to grand, but maybe there suppose to treat us a lesson to become a better person or for the next person we come across to enjoy the better of us that has improved. It's about allowing your thoughts be opened up from the mind and not scared to show who you really are, because we all know we aren't people without no personality or opinion on things. Everybody has a personality and opinion on things. It's about letting you guard fall down and take the plunge for something your heart deep down wants but you're denying it access. For the finally conclusion it all comes down to not letting them think they may have done something wrong or that they may have lost something good they thought was worthy, beautiful, unqiuely amazing in ways that they see that you don't or chose not to allow yourself to see. Just simply cherish those who really make you happy instead of pushing them away when they want to be part of your life to make it better and make it full of happiness and laughter.

signed,

BRIGHTLIGHTS `