Monday, May 20, 2013

a fierce struggle

Day 20
[Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.]

The thing I am struggling with currently is being stressed out, well feeling suffocated and trapped. This is how I feel when it comes to the subject of school and work lately, okay not even lately for a long while now. You know when you've had so much on your plate that you can't take anymore and you want to break down but don't want to in front of people or to talk about it to people? You have this silent moment alone by yourself late wee early hours of the morning and you just break down crying because you don't know what else to do? Yeah that's how I felt lately recently. It's hard, because yes I talk to my best friends about it or certain things but it goes much deeper. It becomes exhausting along overwhelming and just wanting to break down even more. 

When it comes to the whole thing about school it's all about everybody else and what they think is best. And okay, I get what you want or think but this is all I want to do. I just want to go to school.. I don't see what the issue is. I don't have a boyfriend, I don't go out and party, I don't stay out late or go to the bars (totally not my scene). I can count the times I've gone on my one hand and stuff like that isn't fun for me. I feel out of place and simply put it's not me. I understand I need to move away and what I have to do, but not everybody has every little detail about life figured out. The important details and things yes but the other things that don't matter as much and are things that can get figured out when I am there I am okay with that. Life isn't perfection and I am not trying to make it perfection, because when I have in the past it never works out anyways. Why would it have worked out? I always felt the need to be in control of everything and life doesn't work like that. You can try but life can throw you a curve ball whenever you feel like it even if you tried to prevent a certain situation. I am not trying to do anything but to accomplish my dream. A dream I have had since I was 9 or 10 years old, that's it.. nothing else. I get it, it's not something most people agree with because isn't a  "normal" career path. I tried to do the other path from being pressured and it didn't work out in my favor anyways, so why should I run that course again. I rather go down this path and achieve something I truly, ultimately want and be happy, passionately happy. It sounds so simple me typing it as you read this but I know it's not. I know it's a lot of hard work but if you really want something as bad as you want to succeed then you will succeed. I rather do this and have the chance of failing then never trying to be left with what if? what if? what if? I don't want any regrets.. I don't want any wonders. Yes, I know what I want now and I do not know what is or will happen in the future but I do know there is a far better plan for me than what I have planned for myself. Whatever those plans are that God has I know they will be amazing. It will be trying at times to test if it's truly what I want and if I would give up so easily when it gets tough or stick it through to make a point to achieve whatever it is I want without making up an excuse. I am twenty-five years old, which to me seems old to pursue this yet everybody says its not, however it should matter the age that you are. As long as you're doing what it is you want and love it shouldn't matter about the age. And not everybody's life is the same journey and so I can't compare my life to that of someone else and everything happens when it's suppose to happen at the right time when it's meant for you. I believe it's true because when it's something you want and it's happening it will just flow smoothly and you will see things fit together seamingly unlike before say if you were trying but struggled. It was problem after problem trying to do what it is now that is going fine. I believe if it's working smoothingly for you it's because God feels you are ready to take on this journey. Yes, it's scary of course but a lot of things are scary if you don't even try.. usually the things that scare you turn out to be wonderful marvelous things. All my best friends, close friends want me to attend school and are happy for me. However, if I decided not to go they would be pretty disappointed in me and I know my aunties think I should do it because if I don't now I will never do it. I agree I feel like I have talked about it so long, so so so long that if I push it back anymore I will never do and feel stuck. Who wants to feel stuck? Not me! I want to be HAPPY! I am nervous for this journey a little bit yes, but I am also excited but happy because those who believe in what I want to go to school for know that I will do it and succeed because it is something I am passionate about. Everyone that knows I am going to school has told me they see me doing that, it's just me.. that's just who I am. This is something they know I will work really hard for and not mess up because I really want this.

The hard part is hearing the negative stuff, then breaking down and crying or trying to hold it together to not cry. I don't cry or get mad easily without a reason to be and when I am you know because I am always so laid back to people. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's not but some things that people do  seem negative to me and I don't want to worry about certain things that I don't have to. Why should I worry about other people and what they want to do and be negative about it? I see it as it's not my life, they can do whatever I don't need to dwell or talk about it. Maybe that's why I seem laid back to people.. but point is, the last time I cried was when my grandpa was in the hospital and I had to say goodbye. If I have cried anything before that situation it was over school and after that was over school. The people who see me like this know it's a BIG deal for me, this is something I really really want. It's not something.. I think I want, half-heartily want or hey I'll just do this to waste time or and money. It's not, it's something I have wanted to do forever and it's my calling from God for me to pursue. It's my calling because it's all I talked about for years, and years and years since I was a children and I am an adult now and it's still a BIG deal/passion I want to have in my life. I like how some people I have talk to are like you are better than that in the sense of what option I want to do for school and this no sense of doing something shorter when I am capable of better. I agree, this what I want and yes it's probably a high standard or high goal to aim for but I know it WILL, it will be WORTH IT! I just want to be happy and not sad because honestly I always care about other people and their happiness and not my own. This is one thing I just care more about myself for once because I want to feel and be happy. I don't want to be sad honestly and I know this time around it's others that want me to go who are caring about my happiness instead of there own. I am so so so so so grateful and thankful for the support, love and wanting to see me happy as well as want me to be happy. 

This is what I am struggling with that is most important to my heart, and I think I have wrote a lot on it. As for the other topic it's been a struggle also but I feel this is the direction my heart headed so I am going to leave it at this. 

Thank you for reading my blog lately and following my writing entries for each one of these post challenges. I truly appreciate it and those who leave comments, thank you for your encouraging words. I do read all my comments, I just take a while to respond back bare with me because I always reply even if it's not right away. I will be getting back to responses on comments tomorrow. Comments are my #1 priority tomorrow for those awaiting for a while. I am truly sorry for such a long wait. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!

Signed, Joe

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