something great will come of it ..

20 seconds of insane courage.. the exact quote that made me want to challenge myself on something personal came Wednesday morning. It was all because an entry I just started expressing in my journal that morning. There's this little thing that has been on auto repeat in my head about "sometimes in life you lack confidence in yourself" I have no idea why it all of a sudden has decided to swarm my brain and take precedent place. However, at the same time I feel this not awkwardness but this bubble that want's to get burst but it's floating in air waiting. I feel as though I have had those times in the past [for example] I have liked someone and never did anything about it because I never thought they would talk to me anyways. I didn't bother because I thought they would be like why the hell are you talking to me. I think the thing that hit hardest home over the years hearing from someone that I am no longer in contact with is "you'll never be the girl who walks into a room and grabs a guy attention" I am not even going to lie one bit, that stung and I most likely may have mentioned this before on here, somewhere in a past post but it did. It's like telling someone they will never make it, they will fail or their idea is stupid. The other thing was that I would never give the time of day to someone say [insert stereotype] nerd if they came up to you. You have to high of standards and would by pass them and not even give them a chance, because they wouldn't be intellect a enough for you. The truth.. to get real there does have to be a physical attract of course when liking someone. However, when it comes to helping someone that isn't even on the tables of my mind to be honest.  Also I have had many types of people come up to me and asking me to help them in many different kinds of ways and I've never been [sorry my language] an asshole about it. It's usually people take advantage and also because I have taught that that was okay to do. [That is a whole other blog post on that to talk about] but it's true and I never realized it until it got confronted to me. Besides these little details, which I am kind of straying off track but from all the past examples of situations I have encountered I feel more stronger than before. If I look at past opportunities that were given to me, I did nothing about them ever. I always let it sit there and I had a ton of time to get the courage to confront it but never allowed myself to because I was scared, thought I wasn't that good enough, low self-esteem and why would someone like me anyways. It's a funny thing as life moves on and you learn a little more, a bit more, a whole lot more about yourself and the possibilities you can take charge of that you let slide away a million other times before. When sitting here thinking about it today, there has been multiple times I have wanted something sort of kind of bad before and it never happened. However, when I wouldn't be looking it would arrive and there has been times it's been in my hands and I didn't allow myself to do anything about it even if there was something or someone on the other end that wanted it to work out for me or make it work. I never allowed myself to have the luck come in my favor and that also was because I didn't believe it was something I could have. It was something to good to be true or to good for me; I wasn't enough. And as sad as that may sound that was my confidence back then lack thereof. I am not some person that is going to tell you or sell you on that I changed myself within a week, because that would be a complete lie. Yes, tiny little things would happen, that would make progress and steps towards me moving forward in my life but to the confidence and self-esteem I have of myself now took me a whole three wholes to understand. It's not just one incident, one thing that made it happened.. there were numerous things in my life that caused me to be in the state that I was. It was to the point of negativity, nothing worked out for me ever, but simply not believing yet also getting super angry about everything and making myself suffer for no apparent reason. I feel almost I have one last thing to plunge into and do. I feel as though I have a moment this time that has made me realize things I never truly did before. I kind of want to master this inner challenge and kick it in the butt. Yet, at the same time it seems crazy and doesn't make any sense to do because I am leaving so to pursue a move on an opportunity when you're leaving but then I cannot see the outcome to know what would come about. I mean come on 20 seconds of crazy insane courage is all I need right?! ... I think I will feel defeated a bit this time around because it won't feel like a growth in any aspect even though I have been faced with a similar incident before. [Even I don't bother to do anything at all] It's like standing in the same spot and not making a move, just being there.. doing nothing.. risking nothing... being the exact same. Boring.. I feel with knowing this information something possibly amazing could happen. It doesn't hurt to ask anybody anything.. if you never ask the answer is always no and if you never try it's always going to be no. The worst possible scenario that could take place is a no and more than likely as I have come across when I have asked it has been less likely to hear that because I asked instead of not bothering to at all. I feel like I have experienced this little hurdle numerous different times throughout my twenty-five years of life and was just at a stand-still in the past. I don't even know if really it would be a hurdle because it's not weighing a ton on me that I don't know what to do. It's one of those things that is there and comes when it wants to you.. you know it's there right in front but do nothing yet expect something however receive nothing in the end of it all. I feel the crazy thoughts that happen in the head can get the best of you if you let them and I know all about that too. The one thing I am aware of and do know is that this happens at very unlikely, random moments. [You know those moments that you're like what the double h hockey sticks that was so left field even if you're struggling or doing semi-good or just in the worst shittiest place ever, so you feel.] And for those wondering more into my thought or I guess I should say feelings.. it's not one of those things that involves the sensation of butterflies or anything of that nature. It's more an inner challenge within inside of me being fully aware, a lot more confident than in my past and something I feel I need to pursue in a way to break down an inner barrier if you want to call it that in which I have never allowed myself to risk for. 

My inner feelings this time is I want to believe the outcome of something amazing will happen. I feel I believe it more possibly than anything I thought from past situations. I won't lie there is this tiny little thinking thought process of someone looking in that's standing out on the outskirts trying to understanding the whole of everything because I get it.. 
i dream big
i aim high
i do everything with a passion from within the inner core of me and I feel that can be a scary thing as well. [in the sense that being so passionate that it can't be reciprocated back in some way]

However.. 

i kind of believe in a little miracle of something great will happen.. 
And I understand everything can't happen at once but also that sometimes it can, wants to and simply just does. 

All it takes is 20 seconds. 20 seconds of bravery that may be quiet or rattling insane but something beautiful and amazing is possible to happen. 

20 seconds of bravery, a miracle of pure genius heart.

20 seconds of a glorious me, a glorious you and all the glory you allow yourself to feel and stand within. 

20 seconds, 20 seconds of pure completely honest beauty. 

[With all my heart thank you for the ability to be courageous and take a step forward out of the shallow water to go into the deep end to break the barrier, because I know sometimes in life something is right in front of me and I lack the confidence to pursue it, so thank you.] 

So go achieve your 20 seconds of insane courage.. get your something great out of it. 

Happy Friday,
Happy Love
Happy courageous bravery
& Happy Weekend! ;)